It’ll be no surprise to you that my blog exists as not only a place to connect to the frustration of the modern perception of love and relationships, but it also exists to allow me a space to process the experiences I have walked through in my life, in the hope that they offer you (the reader) some light relief and connection, in knowing, we are never alone.
This is a topic that has reared its head several times recently. As I step onto a path of love, in a relationship that is a safe space for me to walk through some of my previous stories with a loving ear and an open space to enter a deeper place of understanding, this sentence has come up several times.
So, why did you put up with it? All of these stories, they don’t seem very close to the version of you I know and understand.
This is a hard question to answer at first thought, because it propels one into a space of self-inquiry, and sometimes the answers are hidden, and sometimes they are just too painful to see.
I think every woman can resonate with the thoughts of a past lover or lovers that didn’t honour them with the sovereignty that they deserved. A partner who didn’t hold space for them to be authentic, to feel deep joy, to fly free.
I can say with total honesty, that I have been this woman more than once, and certainly more than twice. I have existed (not lived) but clung tightly to relationships that were not for me.
I believe there are several reasons we find an incompatible mate, and there are even more reasons as to why we stay, but below are some of my intuitive understandings, from diving into my own psyche, as to why we might, and how we can rewrite our own relationship stories.
1. You told yourself that you are not good enough
This is without any surprise, the reason most women fall into relationships that do not serve their highest good. We are living in a society that impresses a constant overwhelming amount of information for who we should be, or how we should look. This plays a role in our pursuit for happiness in love, because when we are unable to see our own greatness, it makes it hard for anyone else to. So we begin to attract those who will match our thoughts on ourselves, and they too will validate the storyline you’ve told yourself. So instead of seeing yourself for the being of light, beauty and wisdom that you are, you believe a mind-told story, based on micro stories, that leave you in a perpetual cycle, of accepting crumbs from your chosen mate.
If this feels like you, or there is a resonance, the only way out is through, and through in this instance means a path of a deeper healing, and self love is required.
2. Your vibrations matched
If we are living in an inauthentic space, or wearing an armour of pursuit, then this one can be very relevant. Our vibrations are defined by the way we flow with life, our life force. These vibrations can be shifted through the way we see the world, thought patterns and processes and how we love ourselves, including several other factors.
If you have allowed someone into your life, who sits on the pessimistic side of reflection, then chances are you invited them in on a day you weren't at your sharpest energetically, and they have clung on. This is not an easy one to identify at first, but I tend to work with the feelings in my body when I’m around that person, and ask myself questions to make sense of the intention of the connection.
Do I feel safe?
Do I feel held?
How does my body feel in the space with this person? Tense? Relaxed?
Your body will not lie to you, and is a great detection service, if you listen.
3. You don’t have healthy boundaries
This is a common one, and is easier to identify than you might think. If you’ve ever fallen into a relationship and find that the other person’s thoughts, feelings and movements take precedence over your own, then your boundaries are more than likely blurred.
Giving our power away is often something we do in relationships when we do not hold our own selves in high regard, so we overexert ourselves in a relationship, believing that our value comes from a space of over-giving, which is often linked to not feeling enough, or pedastooling another. We believe that we have to overexert for love, not seeing that love comes from within, and relationships only exist in a space of equality.
This is another journey inwards, that involves loving ourselves greater, but the rewards go beyond romantic relationships and the benefits that occur with holding ourselves better are transformative.
4. You have no healthy model or understanding of what true love looks like
If we have never seen a healthy, loving relationship, how do we know what one might look like? If you’ve grown up in a home of conflict, or in a home where the currency of love was conditional, you’ll likely believe it too. It doesn’t mean our parents have to be together to understand a healthy relationship, but if we have no reference point from an early age, we’re out in the jungle making sense of it all by ourselves.
5. You’re living out your ancestral story until you stop it
This links in with the last point, our ancestors. Our ancestors can be our mothers, sisters, or great-grandmothers, it doesn’t matter, but family storylines can persist if they are what we are taught and all we know. If you’ve experienced your parents entering relationship cycles, whether healthy or not, chances are as an adult, you’ll start to mirror them until you pause to see that you’re echoing your ancestors' past, like a ripple in a vast ocean.
These patterns, though not easy to break, are easy to identify when you start to ask yourself questions that are linked to certain repeat behaviours in a relationship. Soon you are able to separate yourself from the stories that are not yours, and free yourself from patterns that no longer serve your highest good.
This blog is more of an internalised reflection, and these views are my own. This article also exists as a space to allow you a new perspective, but by no means is guiding you to a solution. If you feel any resonance with any words you’ve read, there are places you can go to start your path of discovery, and more whole and healthy relationships, so time to find what that is for you.
Until next time bessies.