Unconventional article headline you say? Perhaps. Does it shine a light onto the two lives we live as single women? Absolutely.
I wrote this article for the lionesses who dance between the world of hoe phase, and the no fucking thank you phase. And all are absolutely valid. Why? Because you, my beautiful woman, are completely valid.
Being single is one of life’s most fascinating conundrums, as women we open ourselves up to a world of opportunity, and the longer we hold onto the baton of independence, naturally, the more independent we become.
Being single vs. a packet of pringles.
This is the analogy of the heart of a single woman, the symphony of desire vs. sometimes disaster.
On the whole, studies show that 60% of single women are happy with their single status, but I believe in great honour to all of the strong women out there, as a society we should be working towards a fuller 100%.
Singledom needs to be reclaimed as a choice rather than a fatality.
I’d like to reframe the term single and ready to mingle, to just, single. Why? Because single should not and does not mean we are wrapped up in a cellophane plastic on display, waiting for lustful, hungry fingers and sauteing, no, quite the opposite. It means, “I am single, and this is my choice, I choose this time to become more intimate with myself, and to love myself with every fibre because I am all I need.” Sounds good, doesn’t it? Say it out loud, and then again.
I believe many more women would be cooking up a delicious dish of self-harmony rather than self-crisis if they only understood, the only love they ever need is the true love of self.
As single women, when the overwhelming cold nights kick in, and the search for a soul mate overwhelms the soul after watching another repeat of Ross and Rachel’s reunion on Friends, we may fall into the trap of “I don’t want to be alone anymore”. And well, before you have two minutes to process the absurdity of your thought processing, out comes the vino, you’ve reinstated all dating applications from the depths of hell, and you’re swiping your way to your next most unsuitable mate.
But seeking from a place of not enough will only deliver us someone who is as half-empty as the feeling we’re in at the point of declaring a thumb-war with our phones.
There is usually only one potential outcome when we’re on the prow from a place of lack, we tend to only find the remnants of the shallow waters, the limescale and fermented moss that grows between the abandoned planes of wood, searching for their own answer to life, also hoping that might be you..
When we date in this way, Instead of formulating healthy non-attached bonds, we create undesirable experiences, and our boundaries tend to obscure. We need to be healthy and fully attached to every part of our own inner body and spirit to seek the one who deserves our heart, or even our spark.
So, if you’ll allow me to play out the real-life scenario we’ve all experienced.
After a marathon swiping session, you’re left with a handful of suitable, but not fully up to standard responses, and decide to choose the best of an unadmirable bunch. before accepting an uninspired date in an East London pub over some 90s indie. The date ends just as uninspired, but predictably alcohol-fuelled. You both choose to take the night home together, but you quabble on the streets outside the pub while you wait for an Uber and decide which bed you’ll both sleep in.
You go back to whichever bed is the cheaper cab fair, which is usually his, because he chose a local. You enter his lair with a dry mouth and prepare for a night of mediocre sex, you fall asleep face down on their pillow after an hour. You wake up with a close-to-death dehydration of the throat and a desperate need for pizza, as they go in for a final poke. You pay for your own cab home, but have it drop you at your local supermarket instead, so you can fuel up on all the things that will drown the hangover, and the added disappointment you now feel, due to this unfulfilling experience. You leave with your Lucozade and carb-remedies, which likely includes a packet of pringles.
Does this sound at all familiar? Of course change a few minor details, but the outcome is more or less the same?
So, without the financial-dent in your wallet that you spent on multiple rounds in the dingy pub, the hours of fake laughter and uncoordinated lip-hockey, and your 24-hour migraine, you could have saved yourself the trouble and just bought that bag of carbs, and spent the night in, nourishing your soul over a book or your favourite podcast.
It doesn’t take long to return to a state of inner sanity, and remember why the single life was the chosen one, not the imposed one.
Chances are, you’ve satisfied your inner craving until the next Ross and Rachel trigger. The cycle is a very real and viscous one, but it can be healed. The healing of course starts with you remembering it is OK to opt for that packet of pringles, before opting for the meat-market on Tinder.
I highly recommend, if your single serenity is ever broken, to reach for your nearest best-friend, or curate a list of reasons why you’re single, and read them aloud to yourself three times. You could also mix things up a bit, and take the single-party outside, choose a date for yourself, and treat yourself like the Queen you are.
Remember, being single is an active choice, it is also a brave one in a society that overwhelms us with falsified-pressure and unrealistic expectations, but we cannot be the same because we are all on our own journeys.
So, my single empress, I salute you, hold your head high, and enjoy those pringles.
Check out this article for single-date ideas too!
Until next time bessies.