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Rom-Com Review: IBIZA

Updated: Dec 30, 2022

Vulva rating: 3/10

Full Disclosure: I give away the plot.

Writer: Lauryn Kahn

Director: Alex Richenbach

This film is short of a masterpiece, and 3 vulvas truly was a generous offer for a storyline that was quite clearly written in the gaze of a woman who has long romanticised the affair between woman and DJ.

I can declare, as a woman who has personally had a 2-year liaison with one of these vapid and volatile creatures, and to add that, a 6-year music industry career, this film is an amusing dent on the macrocosm of dating flicks.

Women have long swooned over the turntable, the flickering lights, the stage, the hip sways, but it really has to stop. Falling in love with a DJ is no short of cutting off your life supply temporarily, while taking a sip from the fountain of an overgrown parasite, no, really. Things to look forward to with a DJ for a partner include volatile vacancy, conversations on ‘making it big’, being ghosted while they’re on tour, making peace with them spending half their life in another continent, but the most important one is knowing your place in their list of priorities - the music will always come first.

Let’s get into it.

Before I even begin my commentary on some of the other rambunctious happenings in this film, I just feel the need to re-emphasise that DJs are not for touching.

Set the scene, the film opens with cuts to a bustling New York City, the life-blood and melting point of most American rom-coms, and I expected this one to be no different. We are soon introduced to the main character, Harper, played by Gillian Jacobs. A city-PR girl working at a cubicle desk, nonchalant about her life in the city, carrying an ungrateful attitude, and an aloofness, when she gets sent on the opportunity of a lifetime to secure a client, in Barcelona, Spain.

This is where the film starts to get a little bit more into bromance territory, as the business venture soon turns into a girl's wild European weekend, as she takes her two housemates along for the "trip of their lives". As soon as our calculated trio touch down on Spanish soil, we enjoy some very flippant, yet tragic moments in a hotel room followed by all three women gathering on Barcelona’s most famous beach, joined by Harper's client (a likely story). They all agree to meet that evening in “THE CLUB”. Which Club? Perhaps irrelevant? I’m sure Barcelona has only one club, surely (lazy scriptwriting).

This is where the story really starts to unravel. Our main girl Harper, who in most scenes, is fidgety and uptight, lets herself loose for a night, and shares a gaze with a world-famous DJ, as he calls her over to the stage. You heard me correctly, a likely event, in a sea of thousands of people, he selects our leading, very ordinary character and guides her backstage. The viewer soon learns that the purpose of this unconventional mating call was to wipe a UV dick off of her face, where they shortly after share a few enamored eye roles, and phone number exchange. So just to reaffirm in case you’re struggling to keep up, a dick, a 3-minute backstage eye-twirl, and they are now eternally, emotionally conjoined. This all happened through one, exceptionally awkward, bumbling exchange.

The roles of the fawning young deer and robust young buck play out once again, how very predictable.

The rest of the film hums to the same tune of a kowtowing 30-something who takes an ad-hoc trip to Ibiza while in Europe, attends a sex party, nearly loses her job, and compromises her safety by a marijuana-smoking cabbie, all to find that spark, with a DJ. Now, I know we’ve all heard of some crazy tales, and things we have all done for a good plowing, but this one really does take the biscuit.

Our modern-day princess Harper finally gets her moment, she even convinces our muscular eye-candy to cut his live DJ set in half so they can fornicate in his penthouse suite before her big presentation for the job she hates, the next day. The camera cuts to a few ornamenting eye ogles from the vinyl-spinning hero to our fluttering damsel. Some more very mediocre scenes then play out, shortly before we cut to a closing sequence of our lovely Harper taking the New York Metro alone, followed by a 3-second camera freeze-hold, as she stares into space and smiles. *END FILM*

If I had £1 for every rom-com scene ending where our leading femme fatale stares into space with a deserted, vacant smile, I’d have made at least 12 films better than this by now. But, I haven’t.

Anyway, still, a great watch if you like modern-day Disney and still believe in unattainable, counterfeit love plots, or have a thing for DJs (I am so sorry if you do).

Until next time bessies.


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