2023 has been a delight for dating, I have to say it. I’ll keep echoing the mantra “It only gets better from here” until my vibration matches the words, and I no longer attract the men who lurk in the underworld...
About 5 days ago I matched a man on Tinder who swore to the very core if his being that his given birth name was “P”, so for the sake of this article (and having absolutely no understanding of whether this is true, or not) we’re going to go ahead and say that was his real name.
"P" hailed from the App I swore to myself in 2020 that I would never re-download… a glass of wine, a social distraction, a conversation with the ego, and a hunger for human companionship later… and I matched with “P”.
‘P’erhaps not my finest hour.
‘P’robably not the way I should have spent my evening.
‘P’ersuasive, was the ego.
‘P’erculiarity got the better of me.
Yes, "P" was a 'p'articular kind of man.
We set our phones ablaze within the first 10 minutes of matching one another, my Tinder was on fire as delved into the topics of the occult and our zodiac placements. "P" was a Scorpio like me, which both thrilled and terrified me.
"P" was both pedantic and perilous, he was the perfect way to quieten my unruly mind for 24 hours I thought, though, my plans did backfire.
I always say I am not one for text-relations, yet, I keep falling into the lairs of the texters of the world. My scale is currently, I am attracting keyboard warriors, or total ghosters, and there appears to be no in between, or is it just me?
Within an hour, me and "P" were baring our souls to one another, as we discussed sacred Geometry, esoteric knowledge, our fears and desires, and compared our birth charts, it was the most thrilling first conversation I’ve ever had with a total stranger.
I couldn’t keep myself away from my WhatsApp, and the messages just increased in length, depth and pace, and I was absolutely hooked. I was so stimulated my entire body began to vibrate, it was as if I’d met someone who understood me completely. This mind-altering conversation, accompanied by Vermouth, lasted until 3am, when my eyes physically could no longer stay open.
I woke up with a husky throat, but an enlivened demeanor, as I looked back over our deep dive into each other's lives, and wondered if I could ever be this vulnerable with someone, and then meet them in person? There was a safety in not having looked him in the eye.
He arose at midday, and we hooked straight back into one another’s lives, and picked up where we had left off at 3am. The conversation, though still uncomfortably captivating, started to become stained with more of a sociopathic tone.
A lightbulb had turned itself off, and any information shared about my life now became contestable mirrors, as he began to coin me a sociopath, and a narcissist, all within the same hour. “When she’s a 10 but it’s giving lurking covert narcissism. 😂” And yet, I couldn't seem to stop walking into the deeply disturbing digital space we’d created together. He began to ask very out of context questions such as “Btw have you ever felt horny for love and sex at the same time?” and then soon identified me as a love bomber, among the many other titles he’d pigeon-holed me in “Early trauma bonding is part of love bombing lmao”
Other delightful words that started to hail from his fingertips included “I find myself weirdly missing you but I know that’s just my abandonment issues coming back from old trauma. :/” and “I think I like to fuse with others because of abandonment issues”.
Our conversation called itself to a grand finale, after completely deconstructing my perspective of the world with a malicious “Why are you talking to me ? Are you really bored?”, “No I mean In general like talking to me from Tinder. I’ll only accept any of three answers: A) you def need sycophants to admire you for your triumphs and creativity B) Deep miserable boredom C) You need someone to drill your shit”. Upon responding to “P” with a simple “I’m here looking for love”, he replied with “I’m not ready to be vulnerable”, and that was the end of us…
A 24-hour conundrum of the heart, some light therapy, and a 24-hour break from Tinder, and I’ve just about started to recompose myself. It’s incredible to think that someone you have never met could have such a profound impact on you. It is, I suppose, the risk we take every time we choose to dance with the heart, sometimes we dance with Lucifer himself.
So next time a man you think is cute starts talking about the occult within 15 minutes of your connection, or claims to have a name consisting of only one consonant, I’d say evaluate going any further, before you reevaluate your entire life.
Until next time bessies