An unusual title for a blog post you say? For me, this has been one of my biggest lessons in romance to date.
And for those wondering, I do not mean get your kit off and go running through the streets of London with the wind inhabiting your every dimple, weirdly, nudity is still an illegal offense in the UK, and I will not be held responsible for anyone’s trip to the copshop.
So, what do I mean when I say, let it all hang out?
I think most women can likely relate to being in a dating circumstance whereby you have reduced yourself, concealed parts of who you are, or tucked certain stories in a faraway closet, because that is what you believe you had to do in order to be loved.
I’m here to tell you, hiding away your magnificent light, as well as the shadow that inhabits your vessel, is not love. It could never be love.
Reducing yourself to fit somebody else’s expectations or story is an act of self-condemnation. Living in another’s reality, and existing in theirs rather than that of your own is also a form of escapism and self-deception.
So why do we do it?
I have lived out many past relationships afraid to show up as who I truly am. My story links to early childhood bullying from a close relative, followed by later being bullied at school. Until I was in my late twenties, the words of these young men and women still had presidency over my life and the way I felt about myself because I had adopted their voices as my very own.
This led to many years of reducing myself as I was coming of age, and believing that the only way to get by life without harm was to slip by unnoticed. This was the only real safe space, in the shadows. Of course, hiding behind a screen while entering adolescence is an unrealistic expectation, as we start to see the world through a maturer and more sexualised lens.
This resulted in many, many dysfunctional relationships as I became of age, due to my inability to truly integrate, or love myself wholly for who I was.
Due to my energetic disorientation and wearing my wounds like a warrior at battle, I was a walking billboard inviting in all kinds of narcissists, energy vampires, and ego-centric partners, and would hand over my power willingly because my self-worth was that low, I believed I had to act in devotional service and give every part of myself to be loved.
Not only would I give over every part of myself including my time, my talents, my body, and my emotional space, but I would struggle to compete with any of their rigid values and opinions, even if it inherently hurt me. Suffering their words was better than being alone because being alone meant that I was worthless.
My worth was built around how well they loved me, not how well I loved myself.
So in creating space for them to be authentic and sometimes pompous, I would start to fragment myself and lock parts of me away as they would say things that might be a direct offense or attack on the story of my life, my background, or my character. I became so good at it, I became hollow.
I share this very personal story because I believe many women can relate but in their own version of my story. But with great pain, comes great healing.
So how do we shift our narrative?
First comes the realisation, then the action, and then the journey into healing. Self-healing is a place that we must enter to pull together the lost fragments and to start to integrate until we come back to our centre and our truth, love. We are love, we are born in love and we exude it in our natural state of being, there is absolutely no way we could ever be anything else.
I’ve been on this path alongside many years of dysfunctional partnerships which I believe has pulled me to safety quicker, and now I have found someone who allows space for every single part of my story to shine in true radiance.
I encourage every single woman who is reading this to reflect on my words.
If anything here resonates, I encourage you to take a vow, and make the effort to try and love every aspect of yourself no matter what pain you carry, or how much you’ve had to hold your own heart, I promise you the journey is worth it.
Once you reach a place of greater harmony with self, there is then the next layer, a deeper sense of healing that comes with showing someone every true aspect of you. Your journey will show that if they cannot handle it, then you have saved yourself months, maybe years of trying to mold yourself into a box that wasn't meant for you, you are not meant for boxes, you are here to soar through the sky.
You know that you’ve found someone who can hold you safely when you are able to start at ground zero and unravel the chapters of your life and psyche, and they can hold you like an elegant bouquet of flowers, and inhale every scent of every story while stroking the petals.
And that is what you always deserved.
So I challenge any single woman to a very simple exercise that I believe will save them from years of challenges and pain.
LOVE YOURSELF, TRULY & DEEPLY.
My next challenge to you.
SHOW THEM EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE. HIDE NOTHING, SAVE NOTHING, CONCEAL NOTHING. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
It sounds very simple, but may be harder than it seems at first glance, but the rewards are absolutely priceless because there is no price on you Goddess, you’re worth it all.
If this resonates with some of you, and as always, my inbox is open.
Until next time bessies.