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Dating Archetypes: The DJ

If you’re both a music fan and have an unkempt attraction to musicians, DJs specifically, then this article is for you.

Have you ever considered integrating your passion for music with your burning desire to be loved? Well, don’t.

Musicians are curiously unavailable creatures, with a serious taste for narcotics and indefinite answers to very important questions. DJs however, they certainly take the spinning biscuit.

So sit back, relax, and ease into the truth behind why you shouldn’t let any DJs around your mixing desk, or saucy discs.

It is unknown why one might acquire DJ status, or how one might get there. In fact, it is even unknown how one might qualify as a DJ, for all you know he might just be spinning a Spotify playlist in front of some high-end projections, and flashing lights, we will never know. It is part of the mystery they like to keep, because they do not like to let you into their hearts, only their clubs.

If you have ever been unfortunate enough to meet a DJ, you’re likely to be hypnotised by their ego-buffing explanations for the lifestyle they lead, until you get back to their 6-person house share in the heart of Dalston, and you start to wonder what went wrong.

You find yourself in a room with cables and gadgets unknown to normal folk. Usually, these pieces of equipment cover their desk, their bedside cabinet, their wardrobe, and parts of the floor. You clamber into the bedroom and realise you’ve arrived at a hardware warehouse, with a bed in it, and you start to again ponder your decisions.

This is, of course, the penultimate moment, do you attach to his cables, or do you make a quick escape, only you can make that choice, but hopefully, after reading this you’ll make the right one.

If you choose to entangle yourself in a moment of passion, you are probably part of the majority, and that is OK, the best you can hope for is that you come to your senses quicker than a song transition.

You’ll likely be fed all the lines of the high life, the nights in Ibiza and the people they’ve met, and the clubs they’ve played in. Then comes morning.

With new light always comes new information, and you’ll be surprised at how quickly this web of deceit will turn into a web of despair.

You see, I believe DJs choose their lives, because it offered up a type of career (or non), where they are able to justify all adomen behaviours (refer to dictionary). They get to drink, smoke, plunder and squander, all while unsuspecting beings of beauty fall into their fog generator and strobe lights, it has become a sad reality, and I’m here to stop this injustice.

So morning comes, and you’re probably dehydrated, but somewhat satisfied with the choices you made last night, all before you look around the room, and that room filled with equipment starts to show more signs of potential concern. As the sun pours in through the window, you begin to notice the empty craft beer bottles in the corner, the unwashed bed sheets, and piles of t-shirts thrown in an uncouth pile on the floor by the door where you’ll have to make your exit. You realise that between the cables and the rubble, you may never find your undergarments, but you make haste, before he opens his eyes (it is the only way to save yourself).

If you by chance happened to exchange numbers, you could be on dangerous grounds. He may text you one night while he’s behind the table, looking for someone to adorn on him, but you’d only arrive to find out he is spinning Beyonce at a sweet sixteen birthday party he’d been booked for. I just hope you never make it that far. For safety and your own security, I always recommend giving a fake number, and under no circumstances do you take them back to yours, that is how your toxic affair turns into a 3-year disaster-pit.

So don’t say I didn’t warn you. Tread with caution, share this with all of your friends who may be at risk, and remember, your spinning disks deserve to be handled with care.

Until next time bessies.


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