Over my several years of dating the wrong ones, and very rarely the right ones, I’d like to think I’ve attained some sort of useful knowledge to be passed onto generations giving it their very best shot, dating in London.
Dating is of course a controversial topic, but it is a necessity in finding a suitor in the big smoke. Truth is, I’m not sure anyone even likes dating very much, the often difficult etiquette of dating has reached a new level of obscurity, as conventional gender norms are trashed, we never really know how someone is going to show up.
Of course, once you’ve succeeded in your conquest of attaining your match, you can always ask certain questions before a date, to get a sense of who he is, and what he stands for. This will quickly tell you a lot about whether you’ll be paying for your own espresso martinis in that jumped up, overpriced cocktail bar in Angel. However, if you’re anything like me and would rather push your head through a glass window than tapping digits to a total stranger, you’ll just have to take the walk-in risk. But always bring protection, I would suggest arming yourself with some of your worst jokes, a handful of exit-excuses and an anti-theft spray always comes in handy, just in case.
So if you’ve made it past the post and decided that he perhaps isn’t a total miscreant, I celebrate you and your achievements, and now onto the good stuff. A first date is the perfect way to check for the wrong signs, in order to no longer waste anyone’s time, but most importantly, so you no longer spend hours worrying about whether this man is going to offer you your well deserved Jennifer Anniston moment.
I write these in no particular order, but must emphasise, each should be considered as important as the next.
1. He is late
I know we’ve had more tube strikes than full moons this year, but London is too well connected for lateness. Avoid for future disappointment
2. He and his ex broke up with him
You have to dig here, the why is very important. Get the popcorn out, and prepare yourself for a sort of fairy tales that lived in a battered basement box of old Walt’s house.
3. He says you get the next one
The two massive issues I have with this one is (one) the presumption that he will have me entertained enough to make it to a second drink. And number two, that I have any intention of buying him anything,
4. He asks if you’ve ever done anal
That’s correct ladies, they do ask this. My usual response to this question is “have you?” Either which way, you aren’t getting lucky tonight, my old boy.
5. He talks about one of his celebrity crushes
If there is anyone else in this world that you are pining to put your penis through, while sipping cocktails with, I’m afraid I’ve reached a new level of disappointment.
6. He says he isn’t a fan of feminism
Just get out, seriously.
7. He says he is looking forward to getting to know you better
Too presumptuous, sorry.
8. The conversation is weighted towards how successful he has been
But he is in a house share in Stoke Newington, and wearing a Fred Perry. SEE YA.
9. He has trust issues
Ladies, we’re not here for therapy, we’re here for love. Move along, get healed, and come back to me in a couple years.
10. He suggested that you go bowling for your next date
Unless he’s 16, and you are too, this is completely unacceptable.
I must admit, it was difficult whittling that down to 10, I might write part two if people find this article useful. I hope that gave you some insight into protecting one’s heart, but more importantly, one’s time. In a world of ever-growing demands, our time is limited, and in a world with more left swipes than right, we must look out for one another.